I picked my parents up from the airport and within 12 hours my mom is bleeding from the head on the side of the street. OK, so it's a hyperbolic welcome to Ha Noi, but it happens to the best of us... (Mine happened to be the 'Ha Noi Kiss' which is the giant scorch you get from brushing your calf against a hot motorbike muffler). No worries though, within fifteen minutes were back on track (nobody panic, it was just a flesh wound and slight bruise). So the Behr/Alpert gang hits the streets in typical fashion. My mom still taking her shopping very seriously, my dad always looking for a snickers bar, and I am always complaining about how hungry I am (as a chef I have to constantly be tasting, ya know?). But Ha Noi is only our base, sorta our "changing room" for the rock stars that we are. We've been hitting the road quite hard, via train, boat, plane, car. Even motorbike! Here's a taste of 4 course chef's special...

HA LONG
We hit the famous world heritage site within the first few days of my parents arrival. It's a 3 hour bus ride to the China Sea from Ha Noi and it's my first real view of the countryside. Well, the stereotypes are true: rice paddies, water buffalo, conical hats. A lot of it. As the geological phenomena looms in the distance the bus passengers become restless. Upon arrival we wade through a sea of tourists wearing sombreros, carrying guitars, ready for a real Luau. Other's wear the name tags of their tour group, dragging along huge pieces of luggage filled with who knows what (medication and life jackets?). I tense as I imagine what the next few days could be like stuck on a boat with both frat boys and 70 year-old French tour goups.
We finally meet the captain of our boat who takes us to our anchored vessel which will be our home for the next 3 days. We meet the crew, I think seven in total, and sit down to enjoy a pre-voyage drink. The giant motor whirs to life, nobody else gets on the boat... We have an entire 20 meter long boat (that included the giant dragon head on our bow) all to ourselves! Unbelievable!

Life is simple when you are living on a boat, and the only important things we happen to have plentiful: scenery, books, weather, and a backgammon board. The landscape (or seascape?) is beyond words. Limestone karsts ranging from just a few meters wide to full fledged islands dot the 1000 sq mile bay. Although this is pretty much the only scenery it never gets old. The jade colored water it totally swim worthy, even for December, and I take every advantage of this. One night we managed to sneak into the kitchen where the staff was enjoying a fresh meal of lemongrass steamed seas snails (plucked from the rocks only hours before). They were shocked that we wanted to participate and happily opened their circle to us. We squat down on our haunches and attempt to excavate the little morsels of meat ourselves. Eventually it just turned into the crew talking turns scooping out the meat themselves and handing it to us on a toothpick to be dipped in a mixture of salt, chili, and kumquat juice. We must’ve eaten 50 of those guys apiece! A day or so latter we anchor and take the small dingy attached to the back of our boat out to a floating village to buy fresh fish for dinner that night. Another time we spot monkeys on the cliffs, and while it was unfortunate that they only came towards us expecting their daily treat of human-fed white bread, it was still a beautiful sight.

SA PA
The next stop is Sa Pa, located in the Northwestern corner of the country, maybe 50kms from the border of China. We get there by an overnight train (the ONLY way to travel) and arrive at the Lao Cai station just as the dawn breaks where a car is waiting to take us the rest of the way to Sa Pa. The rising sun doesn’t reveal much more than the night since the visibility is maybe 15 meters as we begin the hour long accent into the misty hills. I want to say that I was excited to get some cooler weather after being in the Ha Noi sauna for so long (although I can’t really complain, not yet having experienced the summer time…). But this was cold! Three-layers-and-a-scarf-and-a-beanie cold. Leaving Colorado I wouldn’t have expected this for some time, but I was wrong!
The town of Sa Pa was engulfed in grey clouds, but it still seemed quite active. We visit open air markets selling everything from dog meat to unidentifiable greens and fruits to tobacco pipes and live water buffalo (about 1,000 bucks apiece, or the price of your daughter). We stop at roadside barbeques, the smells of fresh roasted corn, sweet potatoes, chestnuts waft through the fog. Skewered meats drip and sizzle over tiny disposable charcoal stoves. Definitely a great spread of soul warming cuisine. And speaking of warming, our tour guide, Hoang, doesn’t miss a moment to bust out his personal homebrew of plum infused rice wine. The guy literally stores it in a Johnny Walker whiskey bottle and carries it around with him in his jacket pocket. By noon we’ll be 5 shots in (‘OK, time for happy water’, Hoang will say… three times a day).
Although the markets are always a highlight the real treat was seeing the daily life of the minority hill people in the region. Flower Hmong, Black Hmong, and Red Dao are the three indigenous groups in this area. We get a chance to take several treks through their villages and sometimes have the honor of being invited into their houses. It has a very Disneyland feel to it for me… except it’s all real… like walking through a museum that happens to be someone’s home. Mud houses, dirt floors, the works. These people couldn’t be much friendlier, eager to pose for our cameras and show us the process of weaving and dying their colorful traditional garments. They ain’t called Flower Hmong for no reason! Indigo, baby blue, neon pinks and greens are all hand made into clothes, purses, blankets. They are then brought to the giant markets to be sold buy the women, while some garments are kept back home for family use. While the women play gentle hostess and mother in the village, they really turn into quite savage salespeople in the markets. “You buy from me!”, “Very cheap Madame!” “Hey Peter, look at my shop!” (They call every male who’s Western “Peter”). It takes some serious patience to navigate through these markets. My dad had this habit of buying only the used products off the sales women, who looked utterly confused as they handed over their personal tattered purses for the same price of a new one. Hoang is very patient with all of us taking pictures and bargaining for ages over mere pennies… just as long as we get to a place with some plastic seats and a few shot glasses.

HUE
Next we board a plane and head to Central Vietnam. Hue is city with a ton of Vietnamese culture: ancient stone citadels, elaborate mausoleums, and jungly Buddhist temples. Sometimes it was hard to turn a corner and not see ceramic encrusted dragon. Ancestral alters are present in front of every house, offers of fruits, paper money, and shots of moonshine can be seen glowing under candlelight and incense smoke. The first night there we wander into Lac Thanh Restaurant where a deaf-mute man has been serving traditional Central Vietnamese cuisine for years. Mr. Lac, as we call him, could not be a more animated and friendly guy. He brings us a round of beers to show off one of his signature creations: A bottle opener made out of a piece of wood with a bolt and screw, which when set up properly can open three brews with one swift swipe of the hand. We gorge on fried rice pancakes, speckled with bits of shrimp and bean sprouts then hand wrapped in rice paper with green figs and herbs to be finished in a spicy peanut dipping sauce (Banh khoai). There’s grilled mackerel steaks laden with stewed tomatoes, onions and fresh cracked peppercorn (Ca nuong) and the always favorite fresh spring roll (Pho cuon).
The charisma flowing from Mr. Lac is just too much to handle and we are “forced” to plan a tour of the countryside with him the next day. Here’s the kicker: it’s via motorbike. I consider it more of a miracle that we got Mom on as a passenger than having Dad actually be an operator. We awake the next morning to gloom and sporadic rain but we “hog it” nonetheless; Dad and I on our own bikes and my Mom doing her best not to constrict our young guide on another. We take to the countryside, making stops along the Perfume River at army bunkers (we’re not far from the DMZ), up slippery slopes to huge marble Buddha’s erected on hilltops, out across muddy rice paddies where I slip and skid off the “road” twice, and, of course, a stop for coffee. Oh and our guide is named Muoi, which means ten in Vietnamese because he is the tenth to be born in his family. Awesome.

HOI AN
We take a car from Hue over a mountain pass and into the coastal town of Hoi An, where we will spend the remainder of 2009 doing what we do best: Shopping, eating, and walking (and more eating for me, I need 4 meals a day to keep up my figure). Hoi An is a beautiful town which unfortunately is too small for all the tourists it attracts, at least during the time when it’s not at 90% humidity and not flooded by seasonal typhoons. It’s known for it’s colorful lanterns which line the cafes and restaurants dotted along the banks of the river that splits the city into two parts. Seamstresses are to be found everywhere and I took the opportunity to get a few things custom tailored for me at an extremely reasonable price. The food there is quite different than Ha Noi, a bit spicier too which was nice. Cao lao is the traditional noodle of the region, thicker with more texture than the common rice noodle, served with crunchy wonton chips, fresh herbs, and traditionally braised pork, all dressed in a soy-lime style sauce. We spend our days ambling through the streets, catching the shade whenever we can, either over a steamed fish wrapped in a banana leaf, a Campari and soda, or under a covered bridge. New Years Eve is spent over a bottle of wine, cheers-ing many of YOU, talking about life and other minor nonsensicalness.


All in all these have been a fabulous few weeks; check out my newly posted photos! Oh and here's my address in Ha Noi:

Jake Alpert
so 6, ngo 109
Duong Xuan Dieu
Q. Tay Ho - Ha Noi
Vietnam

That should work although I have yet to receive anything besides hand delivered utility bills. So send me some tester postcards! Packages are also great! Please, be rational in your choice of contents, this IS Communism. I'm sure jars of pickles and fly flishing magazines will be just fine though!

LOVE-j